I’m not OK, but it’s OK…

How strange, that few days can change everything. How I feel, what I think about the upcoming future and whole my life generally.

I know I’m a very pessimistic person, but it is a reflection from my childhood and there is no much I can do about it. I would say I’m an oversensitive pessimist.

I got some of my results back. They are not bad, but not good either. A subject I thought I will have lover mark I got a distinction. A module which I was enjoying I got only pass. Today's one to one session with a tutor (had to admit – fist in two years) showed that my perspectives are not great. My work is not big enough, my attendance is low, my participation in class is equal to 0. 

After years in the same college I feel so low that if I could, I would never go back. I know I’m overreacting and it’s all not that bad, but there is part of me know now – I’m not right for this course, I never have been. Three years ago, when I came back – all I wanted was to take ceramics short courses, but I was talked into taking foundation diploma fallowing foundation degree and here I am not strong enough to really be a higher education student.

I haven’t applied yet for next year and I doubt I will – there is no point. My gallery, other jobs, and family need as much time uni work and there are not enough hours in the day. 

If I never had a gallery, I would go for Birmingham Fine art course, but the convenience of traveling a short distance and familiar college seemed back then like a safe zone. And here I am killing my creativity over describing, analysing, researching, writing – doing everything, but not much of an art and doing it wrong anyway.

So know I don’t know what to do….I always had this plan, take a top-up year – finish the course etc. Now everything seems different, seems impossible to do that and try to jiggle my other life commitments. Next year lease on gallery premises runs out and maybe I will need to take a break till then – and try to find top up year somewhere else…

WEB development

As I still haven’t had full understanding about our FMP I leave it aside, while my brain process some ideas in this subject. 

In meantime our small module task as I call it - so far going quite smoothly.

As I mentioned in previous blog entry, aim of this project was to collaborate with other students in order to present, display our work to wider audiences – that could lead us to exhibition, catalogue making, another blog and so on … As time always is the deal breaker, we all decided website should do just fine.

I was lucky enough to have a friend with the heart internet unlimited account, so web itself didn’t cost me a thing. I sort of do website updates and market research for living, as my gallery business is just my expensive hobby, so I sort of volunteered with putting information and making appearance – other course mates will gather needed information and chase first years for their stuff.

Our team consist only of 4 people me, Kevin Lauren and Emilly… no much of us left…

So there is sort of images of skeleton – I went for simple style with less is more and I quite like it, everyone else also approve it.

More to fallow…on http://www.creativeap.co.uk

New year ahead

Second week into our course for this year.

I have to say hearing briefly module descriptions and assignments what comes with it I’m glad to hear there is no much essay writing, more like progress file creative making.

My creative writing skills perhaps are one I doubt the most and whenever there is an essay, I struggle to find the right words, which someone else haven’t already used…

So, it begins with DEVELOPMENT FILE and 5-year plan…

As I understand it will consist of all our knowledge so far, how we have grown and where we are heading, what we are doing now and what we hoping to do, which is quite important to know really!!...

Besides this all our development review should be organised on blog bases or sketchbook, I think I’m going for Blog this time alongside with small scrapbook files. Because I found this method last year was working well for me.

The five-year plan is going to be challenging as I have a slight idea for the next two years, but rest I am not so sure as anything can happen.

Below this module, there is also another group project to undertake. Working together we need to showcase somehow our work – whether its exhibition – blog, book etc

Knowing how long to takes to set up an exhibition never mind to find the right place for it - so as how much is involved of creating a book, we decided to go for a website instead, where our works can be viewed by larger audiences and that way to make our work more accessible, because let’s face it, all things is online now, even an exhibitions.

As I have a friend who holds a web account, he will happily just set me up, for no extra charge….by next week I will come up with domain name and sort of skeleton of a website, so bear with me for some further links…

Tomorrow we will find out our module description for Major project….so more to follow in a separate entry by end of this week.

I have a few ideas, but I need to make sure of the general requirements for this module.

Handing in part 2

Just before new year I manage to finish my painting, I’m not entirely happy, but not being well (to be honest I’m sick of repeating this) I am still happy about how it turned out.

More I look at it more I like it, - it’s my usual ritual, put painting where I can see it and day after day passing it. Different times a day creates different effect. Also artificial light makes it look it also different. For me is very important to agree with myself if I like it, or not - if it looks alight in different light and finally if I would like to hang it up on my wall?!

There are main criteria I fallow after finishing my work and I have to be 100% sure.

I’m sure – still think it could be better, but there is always next time as all is a learning process throughout experience and mistakes, so I’m sure it I will put more effort on my next project

 I call it “Reach for the Sky”, but there is no obligation it is only my opinion, viewers can decide what they can see.

Handing in..

The week flew by and… I manage to submit important parts – as my essay and visual communication project. 

Having reread essay so many times, I feel sick even thinking about it…on top of that I found out just today about perfect tool to check all my mistakes, … too little too late…. according to that tool I have no understanding of English grammar whatsoever and I probably have no general knowledge about information-gathering either.

When I write I read so many materials from everywhere and to be honest they say the same thing in different sentences…and now I feel that all my work is just bad.

But how I’m been feeling lately and with no better, there is no much I can do. I still have painting to finish and evaluate process, but now I’m in such bad place I just can’t be bothered. There is point in life, you don’t want nothing.

People in college drawing depression and making projects about it – I could go as role model, because no one will have a clue how depressed I am. 

But story is not about me, its about my progress and reflection regarding my studies, which been a complete struggle this term. There was never enough time and I feel I could do much better.

I really enjoyed Visual Communication and I glad I spent more time on it while better, so hopefully my project won’t be so bad.

My work was dedicated to make an awareness of misusing a paper – as a part of it all my progress file was submitted digitally.

Using my own photograph, I created similar health warning you usually would see on cigarettes, but never on products that really matters.

  

To create something positive I decided to reuse some of my wasted paper from various assignments and create paper again.

 

It is nothing special and its very different from my main subject of Fine Art, but I wanted to create something other than painting and it really bring me joy.