How strange, that few days can change everything. How I feel, what I think about the upcoming future and whole my life generally.
I know I’m a very pessimistic person, but it is a reflection from my childhood and there is no much I can do about it. I would say I’m an oversensitive pessimist.
I got some of my results back. They are not bad, but not good either. A subject I thought I will have lover mark I got a distinction. A module which I was enjoying I got only pass. Today's one to one session with a tutor (had to admit – fist in two years) showed that my perspectives are not great. My work is not big enough, my attendance is low, my participation in class is equal to 0.
After years in the same college I feel so low that if I could, I would never go back. I know I’m overreacting and it’s all not that bad, but there is part of me know now – I’m not right for this course, I never have been. Three years ago, when I came back – all I wanted was to take ceramics short courses, but I was talked into taking foundation diploma fallowing foundation degree and here I am not strong enough to really be a higher education student.
I haven’t applied yet for next year and I doubt I will – there is no point. My gallery, other jobs, and family need as much time uni work and there are not enough hours in the day.
If I never had a gallery, I would go for Birmingham Fine art course, but the convenience of traveling a short distance and familiar college seemed back then like a safe zone. And here I am killing my creativity over describing, analysing, researching, writing – doing everything, but not much of an art and doing it wrong anyway.
So know I don’t know what to do….I always had this plan, take a top-up year – finish the course etc. Now everything seems different, seems impossible to do that and try to jiggle my other life commitments. Next year lease on gallery premises runs out and maybe I will need to take a break till then – and try to find top up year somewhere else…
